The other day I caught something during a movie that immediately struck me in the gut. It's one of those feelings that smacks you subconsciously. A sight, smell, even phrase that sours your mood in an instant without you even being aware why. 

I can't even recall the movie, probably one of the romance movies I watched during my week alone. A typical moment with two people in bed together and one says "just relax". Everything shut down for me, the character saying it lost all appeal and the situation began playing out like a flashback. I don't think the character was meant to be such a villain, but it was now a scene I wanted the 'unrelaxed' party out of right away. 

Several years ago, I was in a similar location: me, my then-boyfriend, and a bedroom. My doting boyfriend was trying to ease the pain I must have felt from sleeping around so much. "So much" meaning I wasn't a virgin at 23 when we met. He was trying to tell me it was going to be alright. All the while subtly reminding me that the past was there and it wasn't going to change. 

Two people in a relationship don't have to agree on everything, we can have different viewpoints on things. So his sexist male-society driven mindset that I shouldn't have had sex for fun wasn't in line with me totally being alright with it. But we had other things in common. Sure it came up once in awhile, but I thought we could work past that, create our own story. 

I was wrong. Not for the first time, this past was being brought up and my "damaged soul" was being tossed at me like something I had to overcome. Believe it or not, I was not in the mood to have sex as my exploits are being torn apart. Which then lead to more psychoanalysis and him vowing to fix me, to help heal me, to show me the act of true lovemaking and not "just sex". 

While I was literally crying in a bed, he tells me "just relax" .... so we can get to the delicate lovemaking.

If you ever feel the need to tell the person you wish to have sex with 'just relax', perhaps you should ask yourself why the person isn't relaxed? What about you or the situation is making them uncomfortable? And if you can't fix it, find something else to do. If one person involved isn't comfortable, I guarantee you, the sex won't be good for them. Now, if you don't care about that, then you just shouldn't be having sex. 

This sort of behavior was seen in other events. I am relatively "picky" about the locations I feel comfortable in. Generally closed doors in my, or my boyfriend's, house or hotel, where there is zero, absolutely zero chance of being walked in on. That's just not my thing. I can't concentrate on anything if I'm worried about a door opening. Meaning I don't feel comfortable and No. Sex. None. Zero. Sex. 

This particular 'love-making' machine had recently flipped his shit over an old text message he found while snooping through my messages. We fought and fought and I eventually gave in to his demands due to just sheer tiredness of fighting. I unfriended my friend on Facebook just so he would stop yelling in a house where others could hear us. Since he was my ride and I was too embarrassed to tell the rest of the house "I fucked up and brought a guy with me, and now we're no longer dating, hope this isn't awkward", I did what I felt cornered into doing. Post-fight, I'm once again crying and he says that he loves me so we should make love. 

I wasn't comfortable, so no, it was out of the question. But to him, I was saying I didn't love him. People in love do this for each other, no matter the situation. I guess they just suck it up?

In the end, it obviously didn't work out. And I'm glad to be out of that situation altogether. It's no surprise to me that I so strongly relate to the term 'partner' with the man I ended up marrying. My immature boyfriend stuck with the mindset of dutiful virgin women was not a true partner. He claimed to care about me and my feelings, but really, he didn't. Instead of being heard, I was told what I should feel, like 'relaxed and ready for sex' like a 'normal woman in love'. 

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S/N - I added an email sign-up form at the top of the website. It's super simple in concept: one field, one submit button. But it took almost 3 hours, trying out just about every display setting/ position combination I could to get the various screens to look exactly how I wanted. Hope it works...